On My Knees
I am in pain 75% of my day, sometimes more. I wake up during the night from pain, and when I stretch out my legs, I feel things jumble around in the joint. My first step of the day is always questionable, but the more I move the better it is. Side steps, crooked steps, going up, going down, sitting still, kayaking, all hurt. There are days when my right leg aches from the middle of my thigh to the top of my foot. To boil it down to six little words.... my right knee is fucked up.
To watch me work, you would never know it. I walk quickly and with purpose. I always take the stairs. I don't limp and most days it is tolerable. But going for a walk, using the treadmill, the rowing machine, swimming and even kayaking, it hurts, and not in one particular area, but in a bunch; the medial and lateral sides (torn meniscus), the lower medial (burst bursa sac), the back of my knee (bakers cyst) the top of my knee (arthritis). It clicks and clacks, the knee cap shifts, the back of my knee bulges. It burns, it aches, I get nerve pain, I get bone pain, my thigh muscle spasm. I have had multiple cortisone injections, Synvisc injections, and tried a variety of knee braces and nothing has helped. Because of Gastric Bypass a whole slew of medications are off limits to me, so for pain I take Tylenol and I use ice. A Lidoderm Patch used to help, but now I really don't notice a big difference. It never gets better. I have tried every suggestion the Orthopedic Physician has made. This summer, I said "fuck it", I going to exercise no matter what, the damage is done, it's gonna hurt, I will deal with it. And so I did, hiking most weekends and staying active.
Ben announced to me one day, "Mom if you want to hike all 46 high peaks you can do it". Easy for a 18 year old physical gift from God to say. At the same time he acknowledges, that I am kinda slow, but not as bad as some. But what he can't understand is that it hurts and I can't bend my knee the way I need to. A big step is nothing for him, but for 4'11" me with poor flexibility in my right knee, it is a big hurdle. While he skips effortlessly from rock to rock, I cautiously move. While he gets to a steep boulder, he just goes up without thought or care, while I need to pause and wonder how the fuck I am going to get up, and then slowly pick my way along. When he gracefully leaps without trepidation, I pause, willing myself to do it, even knowing that 1. there is a chance I could fall and 2. it will hurt. And to meander along like a turtle getting to the summit while he and others race to the top, is ego blowing at best. I tell myself they are missing out on all the beauty to be seen, but the inner competitive athlete in me is so jealous. I want to run, hop, skip and leap and I want to be fast and strong. I want to post that it took me 8 hours round trip instead of telling the truth that it took eleven. So if wanting is the only criteria to finishing the 46, I got it. No problem.
Every hike has gotten harder and sadly slower, so two months ago I made an appointment to see the Orthopedic Physician for this week. The x ray was the first step, then I told him all the places my knee hurt. "I can offer you a cortisone shot, but it hasn't helped in the past. and the Synvisc injection did nothing for you?" I shook my head no. "Well then we are looking at full knee replacement. Let's get a MRI first. At the very least I will probably want to scope it."
So that is that. The question is not whether I will get a new knee, the question is...how many more mountains can I get in with this one? I am not ready for a new knee. I can't afford a new knee. What I really want is to finish my 46 with this knee. This weekend for my 52nd birthday, I will be hiking Mount Colden, the 11th highest peak in New York State and my 21st of the 46 high peaks. My goal is to get to 23 by the end of the year. When the pain is greater than the wanting, I'll stop, but for now, I'm still hiking. Fuck the easy Ladies Hike at the Ausable Club. I got bigger hikes to do.
To watch me work, you would never know it. I walk quickly and with purpose. I always take the stairs. I don't limp and most days it is tolerable. But going for a walk, using the treadmill, the rowing machine, swimming and even kayaking, it hurts, and not in one particular area, but in a bunch; the medial and lateral sides (torn meniscus), the lower medial (burst bursa sac), the back of my knee (bakers cyst) the top of my knee (arthritis). It clicks and clacks, the knee cap shifts, the back of my knee bulges. It burns, it aches, I get nerve pain, I get bone pain, my thigh muscle spasm. I have had multiple cortisone injections, Synvisc injections, and tried a variety of knee braces and nothing has helped. Because of Gastric Bypass a whole slew of medications are off limits to me, so for pain I take Tylenol and I use ice. A Lidoderm Patch used to help, but now I really don't notice a big difference. It never gets better. I have tried every suggestion the Orthopedic Physician has made. This summer, I said "fuck it", I going to exercise no matter what, the damage is done, it's gonna hurt, I will deal with it. And so I did, hiking most weekends and staying active.
Ben announced to me one day, "Mom if you want to hike all 46 high peaks you can do it". Easy for a 18 year old physical gift from God to say. At the same time he acknowledges, that I am kinda slow, but not as bad as some. But what he can't understand is that it hurts and I can't bend my knee the way I need to. A big step is nothing for him, but for 4'11" me with poor flexibility in my right knee, it is a big hurdle. While he skips effortlessly from rock to rock, I cautiously move. While he gets to a steep boulder, he just goes up without thought or care, while I need to pause and wonder how the fuck I am going to get up, and then slowly pick my way along. When he gracefully leaps without trepidation, I pause, willing myself to do it, even knowing that 1. there is a chance I could fall and 2. it will hurt. And to meander along like a turtle getting to the summit while he and others race to the top, is ego blowing at best. I tell myself they are missing out on all the beauty to be seen, but the inner competitive athlete in me is so jealous. I want to run, hop, skip and leap and I want to be fast and strong. I want to post that it took me 8 hours round trip instead of telling the truth that it took eleven. So if wanting is the only criteria to finishing the 46, I got it. No problem.
Every hike has gotten harder and sadly slower, so two months ago I made an appointment to see the Orthopedic Physician for this week. The x ray was the first step, then I told him all the places my knee hurt. "I can offer you a cortisone shot, but it hasn't helped in the past. and the Synvisc injection did nothing for you?" I shook my head no. "Well then we are looking at full knee replacement. Let's get a MRI first. At the very least I will probably want to scope it."
So that is that. The question is not whether I will get a new knee, the question is...how many more mountains can I get in with this one? I am not ready for a new knee. I can't afford a new knee. What I really want is to finish my 46 with this knee. This weekend for my 52nd birthday, I will be hiking Mount Colden, the 11th highest peak in New York State and my 21st of the 46 high peaks. My goal is to get to 23 by the end of the year. When the pain is greater than the wanting, I'll stop, but for now, I'm still hiking. Fuck the easy Ladies Hike at the Ausable Club. I got bigger hikes to do.
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