Breaking (Growing) Up Is Hard To Do
Back in August when I carefully and lovingly packed Ben up to go to college, I knew him leaving would be hard. I anticipated being lonely, of missing the sights and sounds of him, the joy of cooking and watching him play sports. I readied myself to move forward as an empty nester. I expected all kinds of things (eating cereal for dinner, for example), but never in a million years, did I think he would break up with me.
Ben and I are so much alike. To Sam I gave all my goodness, to Ben I gave my soul, filled with both good and bad. Like me, he is quick to punish the ones he loves best, lashing out painfully and cutting deep. Neither one of us knows how to communicate with each other and we are both sure the other one is wrong. All through high school, we were the "bickersons", the cranky older couple who have been together too long and who fought over everything, both of us taking turns at being wrong and acting like assholes. When he left for Plattsburgh, I knew he would grow up and learn to fix things himself through experiencing the easy (laundry) and hard life lessons. But what I never anticipated is that he would so excited to break away from being a boy to a becoming man, that not only wouldn't he need me anymore, he really wouldn't want me either. That pushing me away would be his norm and that calling his Mother for her birthday wouldn't mesh with his schedule. The smart part of me knows this is normal behavior, he is just trying to figure shit out and that I maybe should cut him a break. The part of me that is super sensitive and cries at the drop of a hat, feels like my heart has been ripped out of my body, chewed up and then regurgitated on the top step like a mouse caught by one of the cats. Okay, that might be a bit much, but I am overly sensitive.
I gave him space in September, thinking it was good for both of us. In October we have done nothing but argue, by text no less, the stupidest form of communication known to mankind, on that we both kind of agree. And once again, we are both taking turns at being wrong and acting like assholes (if Ben was writing this, he would call me a douche bag). If he ever reads this, he would be so pissed, but it's a safe bet, he does not eagerly await my posts.
Is this normal? Did Sam do this too? Was I so busy helping/fighting with Ben, that I didn't notice Sam pulling away and finding his way in the world? Growing up and motherhood is so hard. There is no guidebook for either. I hope that both of us figure it out sooner rather than later.
Ben and I are so much alike. To Sam I gave all my goodness, to Ben I gave my soul, filled with both good and bad. Like me, he is quick to punish the ones he loves best, lashing out painfully and cutting deep. Neither one of us knows how to communicate with each other and we are both sure the other one is wrong. All through high school, we were the "bickersons", the cranky older couple who have been together too long and who fought over everything, both of us taking turns at being wrong and acting like assholes. When he left for Plattsburgh, I knew he would grow up and learn to fix things himself through experiencing the easy (laundry) and hard life lessons. But what I never anticipated is that he would so excited to break away from being a boy to a becoming man, that not only wouldn't he need me anymore, he really wouldn't want me either. That pushing me away would be his norm and that calling his Mother for her birthday wouldn't mesh with his schedule. The smart part of me knows this is normal behavior, he is just trying to figure shit out and that I maybe should cut him a break. The part of me that is super sensitive and cries at the drop of a hat, feels like my heart has been ripped out of my body, chewed up and then regurgitated on the top step like a mouse caught by one of the cats. Okay, that might be a bit much, but I am overly sensitive.
I gave him space in September, thinking it was good for both of us. In October we have done nothing but argue, by text no less, the stupidest form of communication known to mankind, on that we both kind of agree. And once again, we are both taking turns at being wrong and acting like assholes (if Ben was writing this, he would call me a douche bag). If he ever reads this, he would be so pissed, but it's a safe bet, he does not eagerly await my posts.
Is this normal? Did Sam do this too? Was I so busy helping/fighting with Ben, that I didn't notice Sam pulling away and finding his way in the world? Growing up and motherhood is so hard. There is no guidebook for either. I hope that both of us figure it out sooner rather than later.
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