Self Deprecating Purge

Have you ever had one of those days, or weeks, when it feels like you stepped in shit and no one told you? Well I took it one step further and not only did I feel like I stepped in shit, I was sure I either deserved it, caused it, or brought it on myself.  And it all came to an end last night with an evening of vomitous eruptis. And while it might have been the funky, too sweet, too rich, tasting ice coffee I had drunk earlier in the evening, it may also have been all the self deprecating thoughts and feelings I have given power to over the last week.

Hiking on Mothers Day was great, but it was also filled with too much energy sucking, self doubt. If I was in better shape, if I was thinner, if I was stronger, if  if  IF, the hike would have been easier, better, more fun.... Why couldn't I just stay in the moment and love being with my son and friend, love the sun on my face and revel in the fact that I did it?  I felt all those things, but I also allowed the feelings of self doubt put a black cloud on an otherwise awesome, sunny day.

Ben has had a great track season, but when his 4x400 relay came in second in the last two track meets and he came in 3rd in the free 400 at sectionals, I blamed myself.  I didn't feed him right, I snapped at him at the meet when he couldn't find HIS bag which was exactly where HE left it,  I didn't have positive thoughts and brought my bad karma with me, I made him hike with me and it bothered his legs.........  I can hear Ben saying, "The whole world doesn't revolve around you Mom".  One, he ran great because of the hard work he put in and, two what the fuck is wrong with me?  I have a happy, healthy kid.  I don't care if he finished first or tenth, I love that he worked hard and put it all out there. Please don't let me teach my child to feel bad for being human. Please don't let my children be like me?  Let them have a strong sense of self, a knowledge that they are good and let them have the ability to love themselves for all their perfect imperfections.

So after emptying my stomach contents in the toilet, I laid back on the bathroom floor thinking, "this is your own fault;  you had to have an ice coffee, you didn't make good food choices, you haven't gotten enough sleep, you aren't taking good care of yourself, you let negative thoughts and anxiety overwhelm you and now you are sick.  Stupid girl, it's all your own fault."

If I witnessed a parent treating their child the way I treat myself, I would be horrified and want to protect them.   Recognizing that it is wrong to treat myself so poorly, I even berate myself for that.  So what, now I am mad at myself for being mad at myself.  How ridiculous is that?

After my last Blog, my sister wrote me the following,   "Oh my- Anne your writing is so powerful!!  You are a hero of mine.  Facing forward and walking on!  Love you."  It is very hard to put all my fears, insecurities, and personal craziness out there for others to see.  Do some people judge me?  Probably, but there is nothing anyone can say or do to me worse than what I do to myself.  I am just trying to figure it all out and it just is taking a little longer than I thought it would.

"There is no normal life that is free of pain.  It is the 
very wrestling with our problems that can
be the impetus for our growth."   Fred Rogers