A Walk in the Park
A Sunday morning walk is a perfect time to reflect on the past week, work out the shit in your brain and see the world with a fresh, new, positive attitude when you finish. I woke up this morning with a headache, so after coffee and breakfast, I decided to treat myself to a walk to Washington Park. At the last minute I grabbed my camera, knowing that the tulips were still in bloom and off I went with my girl Mary J. Blige in my ears.
"Mary J. is in, and I'ma gonna make ya feel alright, make you feel alright".
Last weekend I hiked Whiteface mountain with Ben and a friend and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. While I loved hiking in the Adirondacks, I still feel guilty about hiking in the high peaks during mud season. The DEC has asked hikers to stay off the trails until the first of June. Hiking in mud season adds to the erosion of the trails and inhibits growth in an area with a very short growing season. It was 12 miles round trip and I had a hard time keeping up with the men, but I did it and if I was keeping track, it would be another high peak to cross off the list. Every time Ben hopped from rock to rock or ran past me, I wanted to shout, "showoff!", but mostly I was in awe of his ability and downright jealous that it was so easy for him. I was also reminded more than once during the nine hour hike that it is possible to love something, even while hating bits and pieces of it. When we got back to the car, I asked Ben to rate his fatigue from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest. He replied, "maybe a two". Pride kept me from giving an honest "9". I fibbed and said "7". Monday morning came and I was covered with bruises and scratches and every muscle ached. Ben felt great.
"One life, one blood. One life you got to do what you should. One life with each other."
Thursday brought the boys Big Ten Track Championships. Albany was never in the hunt to win the meet, but the Albany and Amsterdam coaches had been playing head games with each other over the 4x400 relay for the past week. Always the last event of the meet, it is the most exciting. Albany had about a 50 meter lead going into the final lap, when Ben got the baton. Amsterdam's anchor leg was run by a kid that is a future Olympian. Ben needed forty of those meters to bring home the win for Albany. The boys were so excited, especially knowing the Amsterdam runner had posted a 45.9, an unbelievable feat for a high school junior. I kept watching the video I took on my phone over and over again and it was more amazing each time I saw it, until this afternoon I erased it by accident. On Saturday they competed at The Eddy Invitational, on the same track that they had won on Thursday. The 4x400 team came in second this time to the same Amsterdam team they beat two days earlier. Ben only had a 30 meter lead on the anchor leg and it just wasn't enough. As fast as Ben is, Izaiah Brown from Amsterdam is from a different planet. He won 3 individual events plus a team relay, set a new meet record in the two hundred and won the overall MVP trophy. He would have won the high jump as well, but they only allow an athlete to compete in four events. The 4x400 rivalry will continue in two weeks as they compete to see who goes to the state championships. Tuesday is Sectionals, then State Qualifiers, and then the State meet if they make it that far. Ben wants it so badly. I am starting to mourn the end of the season, the end of high school for Ben, and the end of my time as a sports Mom. I am not ready. But before it ends, I want Ben to keep reaching for the stars and be proud of the hard work and commitment it took for him to have the chance to shine.
"Don't need no hateration, holleration. We don't need no haters. We're just trying to love one another."
I keep seeing Ben's old pediatrician at Track Meets and I still get mad when I think about the horrible treatment they provided Ben when he was 14. To this day I seethe remembering how they didn't believe Ben was sick and accused him of abusing drugs and alcohol and being depressed. I guess it was easier in a big medical group to believe the worst, rather than try to figure it out. Thankfully, Ben had his Dad and I on his side and we found a doctor who did believe Ben and figured out what was wrong. I wish I could say I was that person who could let shit go, but seeing her again Saturday brought it right back....... again. For the first time in four years I confronted her and told her how her actions affected Ben and my family. That he was well and thriving despite it all and that maybe next time, she would listen to her patients fully without reaching an unsubstantiated diagnosis. I didn't yell. I didn't call her names. I simply told her how I felt and yet, somehow I thought it help make me feel better and let it go. It didn't.
By the time I hit the park road this morning, I thought I would be less melancholy and my headache would be gone. Instead the sweet smell of the lilacs made my head hurt more. I kept on walking. Seeing the homeless man sleeping on the park road added more guilt. I have so much good in my life, what do I have to be so blue about? The baby ducks and beautiful tulips helped. Taking photos and focusing on getting just the right shot helped even more. Working my body and feeling the sunshine on my skin helped further, but the worries, anxiety and desire to drown myself in food was waiting for me when I climbed the steps into the house. I almost turned around and did it again. Five and a half miles was just not enough. I am worried about sooooo many things. I am worried about money and borrowing money for college for Ben. What if I can't and Ben can't go. Ben is leaving in a little over three months. What am I going to do? I will be alone and the panic I feel now feels too much like the panic I felt when Bill left. I am afraid I will become a hermit or a hoarder or eat nonstop to fill the silence. I am worried about more things than I can write down in a BLOG. So see............ five and a half miles was not enough. Maybe I will hike a mountain next weekend, .....................just not one on the DEC mud list and not one that has snakes or one that I will get lost on.
"Mary J. is in, and I'ma gonna make ya feel alright, make you feel alright".
Last weekend I hiked Whiteface mountain with Ben and a friend and I have a lot of mixed feelings about it. While I loved hiking in the Adirondacks, I still feel guilty about hiking in the high peaks during mud season. The DEC has asked hikers to stay off the trails until the first of June. Hiking in mud season adds to the erosion of the trails and inhibits growth in an area with a very short growing season. It was 12 miles round trip and I had a hard time keeping up with the men, but I did it and if I was keeping track, it would be another high peak to cross off the list. Every time Ben hopped from rock to rock or ran past me, I wanted to shout, "showoff!", but mostly I was in awe of his ability and downright jealous that it was so easy for him. I was also reminded more than once during the nine hour hike that it is possible to love something, even while hating bits and pieces of it. When we got back to the car, I asked Ben to rate his fatigue from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest. He replied, "maybe a two". Pride kept me from giving an honest "9". I fibbed and said "7". Monday morning came and I was covered with bruises and scratches and every muscle ached. Ben felt great.
"One life, one blood. One life you got to do what you should. One life with each other."
Thursday brought the boys Big Ten Track Championships. Albany was never in the hunt to win the meet, but the Albany and Amsterdam coaches had been playing head games with each other over the 4x400 relay for the past week. Always the last event of the meet, it is the most exciting. Albany had about a 50 meter lead going into the final lap, when Ben got the baton. Amsterdam's anchor leg was run by a kid that is a future Olympian. Ben needed forty of those meters to bring home the win for Albany. The boys were so excited, especially knowing the Amsterdam runner had posted a 45.9, an unbelievable feat for a high school junior. I kept watching the video I took on my phone over and over again and it was more amazing each time I saw it, until this afternoon I erased it by accident. On Saturday they competed at The Eddy Invitational, on the same track that they had won on Thursday. The 4x400 team came in second this time to the same Amsterdam team they beat two days earlier. Ben only had a 30 meter lead on the anchor leg and it just wasn't enough. As fast as Ben is, Izaiah Brown from Amsterdam is from a different planet. He won 3 individual events plus a team relay, set a new meet record in the two hundred and won the overall MVP trophy. He would have won the high jump as well, but they only allow an athlete to compete in four events. The 4x400 rivalry will continue in two weeks as they compete to see who goes to the state championships. Tuesday is Sectionals, then State Qualifiers, and then the State meet if they make it that far. Ben wants it so badly. I am starting to mourn the end of the season, the end of high school for Ben, and the end of my time as a sports Mom. I am not ready. But before it ends, I want Ben to keep reaching for the stars and be proud of the hard work and commitment it took for him to have the chance to shine.
"Don't need no hateration, holleration. We don't need no haters. We're just trying to love one another."
I keep seeing Ben's old pediatrician at Track Meets and I still get mad when I think about the horrible treatment they provided Ben when he was 14. To this day I seethe remembering how they didn't believe Ben was sick and accused him of abusing drugs and alcohol and being depressed. I guess it was easier in a big medical group to believe the worst, rather than try to figure it out. Thankfully, Ben had his Dad and I on his side and we found a doctor who did believe Ben and figured out what was wrong. I wish I could say I was that person who could let shit go, but seeing her again Saturday brought it right back....... again. For the first time in four years I confronted her and told her how her actions affected Ben and my family. That he was well and thriving despite it all and that maybe next time, she would listen to her patients fully without reaching an unsubstantiated diagnosis. I didn't yell. I didn't call her names. I simply told her how I felt and yet, somehow I thought it help make me feel better and let it go. It didn't.
By the time I hit the park road this morning, I thought I would be less melancholy and my headache would be gone. Instead the sweet smell of the lilacs made my head hurt more. I kept on walking. Seeing the homeless man sleeping on the park road added more guilt. I have so much good in my life, what do I have to be so blue about? The baby ducks and beautiful tulips helped. Taking photos and focusing on getting just the right shot helped even more. Working my body and feeling the sunshine on my skin helped further, but the worries, anxiety and desire to drown myself in food was waiting for me when I climbed the steps into the house. I almost turned around and did it again. Five and a half miles was just not enough. I am worried about sooooo many things. I am worried about money and borrowing money for college for Ben. What if I can't and Ben can't go. Ben is leaving in a little over three months. What am I going to do? I will be alone and the panic I feel now feels too much like the panic I felt when Bill left. I am afraid I will become a hermit or a hoarder or eat nonstop to fill the silence. I am worried about more things than I can write down in a BLOG. So see............ five and a half miles was not enough. Maybe I will hike a mountain next weekend, .....................just not one on the DEC mud list and not one that has snakes or one that I will get lost on.
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