Mind Dump
I have lost my MOJO and I am fucking pissed. Writing seems impossible, sticking to my diet lasts approximately 1 hour, and my body hurts. To make it worse, I am off all week and have stuff I need to do and really want to do, but I am having trouble getting out of my own way. BLAH!
This is my tenth BLOG written but my first one published, since my last one on March 4 2014, but the rest were all started and never finished, left undone and no longer timely, or just plain sucked and were deleted. I have always found such clarity in putting my life down in words, but I am truly struggling. I want to bare my soul but what comes out is drivel, shit no one wants to read, just meaningless words that speak to my mindset. Going for long walk with my girls (Florence, Adele, Mary J, En Vogue) filling my head with song, I find my words, but they are long gone when I try to actually put them to paper. So right here, right now, I am dumping the shit from my brain. I need room for better stuff.
I have been working to get myself back in shape and have even hiked a few times. But two weeks ago I bailed out on a hike because the forecast called for sleet, freezing rain and snow. I am impatient for good weather and am struggling to accept myself for what I am, a fair weather hiker. It doesn't make me less of a person, a wimp, or weak, it just means I like to hike in nice weather. But even writing that brings me to tears and I can't figure it out. Who I am has nothing to do with hiking in snow, rain, and ice. I just wish I was stronger and could openly embrace the adventure and not fear the struggles that come with imperfect conditions. If I could just pick at this scab a little longer, I know I could figure it out what it really means. Or maybe it just means I don't like to hike in bad weather, but if that were really true, it wouldn't upset me. Why do I feel the need to be the toughest and strongest woman? And why is it not okay to just be me?
I never had MOJO when it comes to men, but even that sucks more than usual. I was dating David from November until about a month ago. He was attentive, kind, sweet, funny and liked me, but I didn't feel physically attracted to him. He even fixed my front door and as Ben pointed out, there was lots more that needed fixing, but I couldn't lead him on. I have dated Hans twice, but I think he forgot about me. After not calling or emailing me for over a week, I reached out to him. He was busy with a leaky roof and busted garage door. I am dumb when it comes to men, but I am pretty sure that means he's just not into me. I have spent a lifetime trying to find something in me that a man would like. What a waste of time and energy. But the very thought of spending the rest of my life alone fills me with sadness.
My body is falling apart. My broken left knee cap is fully healed, but I have Pes Anserine Bursitis in my right knee and a muscle (vastus lateralis) in revolt running from my butt to my left knee. Probably obtained from trying to get up a mountain in snowshoes in soft, melty, slippery snow or maybe sitting on the bleachers watching a track meet for four hours with my legs crossed. Either way, I am in agony. So much for hiking a lot this week. The fact that I cannot use any non steroidal (Advil, Aleve, Motrin) which would all help, just makes this all the more frustrating. So once again, I bailing out on a hike tomorrow and feel like a wimp.
But my biggest problem.......I am hungry. Sticking to my calorie count has become impossible. I know I am hungry for more than just food, but sometimes I run out of fight and food finds it's way into my mouth. The journey for good health is never ending and at times inconceivable and unmanageable. I knew maintaining my weight would be the biggest challenge, but knowing it and living it are worlds apart.
So that is my mind dump. I somehow thought it would feel better to get some of it out, but instead I sit in my recliner, hip hurting, and look at the chaos that is my life. I am struggling to see joy this week. I know it's out there. I know things could be worse and I need to stop whining. Oh hell, at least the snow melted off the steps!
This is my tenth BLOG written but my first one published, since my last one on March 4 2014, but the rest were all started and never finished, left undone and no longer timely, or just plain sucked and were deleted. I have always found such clarity in putting my life down in words, but I am truly struggling. I want to bare my soul but what comes out is drivel, shit no one wants to read, just meaningless words that speak to my mindset. Going for long walk with my girls (Florence, Adele, Mary J, En Vogue) filling my head with song, I find my words, but they are long gone when I try to actually put them to paper. So right here, right now, I am dumping the shit from my brain. I need room for better stuff.
I never had MOJO when it comes to men, but even that sucks more than usual. I was dating David from November until about a month ago. He was attentive, kind, sweet, funny and liked me, but I didn't feel physically attracted to him. He even fixed my front door and as Ben pointed out, there was lots more that needed fixing, but I couldn't lead him on. I have dated Hans twice, but I think he forgot about me. After not calling or emailing me for over a week, I reached out to him. He was busy with a leaky roof and busted garage door. I am dumb when it comes to men, but I am pretty sure that means he's just not into me. I have spent a lifetime trying to find something in me that a man would like. What a waste of time and energy. But the very thought of spending the rest of my life alone fills me with sadness.
My body is falling apart. My broken left knee cap is fully healed, but I have Pes Anserine Bursitis in my right knee and a muscle (vastus lateralis) in revolt running from my butt to my left knee. Probably obtained from trying to get up a mountain in snowshoes in soft, melty, slippery snow or maybe sitting on the bleachers watching a track meet for four hours with my legs crossed. Either way, I am in agony. So much for hiking a lot this week. The fact that I cannot use any non steroidal (Advil, Aleve, Motrin) which would all help, just makes this all the more frustrating. So once again, I bailing out on a hike tomorrow and feel like a wimp.
But my biggest problem.......I am hungry. Sticking to my calorie count has become impossible. I know I am hungry for more than just food, but sometimes I run out of fight and food finds it's way into my mouth. The journey for good health is never ending and at times inconceivable and unmanageable. I knew maintaining my weight would be the biggest challenge, but knowing it and living it are worlds apart.
So that is my mind dump. I somehow thought it would feel better to get some of it out, but instead I sit in my recliner, hip hurting, and look at the chaos that is my life. I am struggling to see joy this week. I know it's out there. I know things could be worse and I need to stop whining. Oh hell, at least the snow melted off the steps!
"The pen and paper has no judgement, no vote,
it simply receives my truth and allows me to turn the page,
and today this is my truth." Kurt Sutter, SOA
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