The Fight Continues

I ended 2013 with a bang, literally.  Hiking up Esther Mountain, I slipped and smacked my knee on a rock.  One week later, unable to stand the pain any longer, I got an x-ray.  Diagnosis;  a non displaced fracture of my left patella, AKA a broken kneecap.  I am wearing a jazzy blue knee brace until Feb 4 when I get a new x-ray and can hopefully discard the damn thing.

My winter hiking, snowshoeing, walks at the golf course, climbing stairs, using the treadmill, and all exercise is on hold.  So while I have been exercising my mind with books, and my fingers by knitting, I have been letting my ass go numb in my recliner while binge watch Dexter and working my forearm eating popcorn, one kernel at a time.  More chair time, snacking to mask my pent up energy, attempt to stave off boredom and numb my anxiety has equaled weight gain, ugh!

So I am back to using my Smart Phone App, My Fitness Pal.  A paltry 1200 calories a day is what I allow myself or as a male friend of mine asked, "what is that, like a cheeseburger?".  By the end of the first day, I realized there was a whole bunch of food I don't feel like counting in my daily total.  For example, Fat Free Creamer for my coffee (30 calories a tablespoon), Skinny Pop Popcorn (35 calories a cup) and Twizzlers (30 calories a stick).  It is not right to have to count such paltry little calories, right?  I don't count veggies for that very reason. But by the time I count my extras plus my real calories, I am over my limit and ready to scream. What happened to my self control, my willpower?

Okay, it's time to look myself in the mirror and admit it, I have slipped.  I have let the door open to my addiction.  One cookie used to light my brain up like fireworks, now it takes four and even then the lights aren't as lasting or pretty and I continue seeking the high, never quite getting there.  I swore I would never go back to those days, living with gluttony, seeking relief and numbness with food.  It didn't work then and it won't now. But my control is shot and the yearning to eat is too hard to fight day after day, hour after hour, minute after minute even.  But fight I do and will continue to do.  I still haven't figured it out, but getting back to the mountains will help.