Trying To Understand
I climbed Giant Mountain on Friday looking for you. I pushed myself as hard and as fast as I could go, breaking down all my barriers and protective layers as I went, passing everyone I came into contact with and slowly letting my pain flow to the surface. Why? Because as I stood at the top, muscles shaking, dripping with sweat and gasping for air, I was looking for YOU! For the first time in my life I was looking to a higher power for some answers. It's on a mountain, after struggling to get to the top and seeing the beauty of the world around me, that I sometimes get a glimpse. Finding a nice quiet rock in the sun and away from people, I let my tears flow. "Are you there God? It's me, Anne?"
I was baptized fifty years ago in the Congregational Church in Pittsfield, NH. I got married in a church and went to Christmas and Easter services, but I am not a believer. Even as a child I questioned the existence of a higher power. Unless I could see, hear or touch him, God didn't seem real and the bible was just a collection of nice stories. The older I got, the more I believed that mercy, hope, faith and love all came from within ourselves and that evil was just evil and not the result of sin. No one was up there pulling strings and guiding everything, it was up to us as individuals to make something of our lives and those around us. It was the only thing that made sense to me.
A week and a half ago HM died. She was a home care patient of mine, a young woman with so much to offer. She didn't have cancer, but a weird *auto-immune disease that doesn't normally cause death. Every five weeks I would show up at her parents house and climb the stairs to her bedroom, put in an IV and start the medicine that would allow her to live a normal, productive life. In the early morning light, I fell in love with this curly headed girl who was full of joy. She was athletic, smart and funny and would chatter on about her life, making me smile and laugh. We would talk about school, boys, and books and she never failed to ask about my life and thank me for coming. Eventually she would fall asleep and I would let my eyes wander around her room focusing on all the trophies, posters, drawings and childhood memories tacked on her walls. It was a glimpse into her world, but it didn't tell her whole story. This was a girl with the potential to change and make the world better. She brought joy to everyone and was deeply loved. Her death at age 19 made no sense and if I couldn't understand it, how could her family possibly begin to? Devastated doesn't begin to describe what they are feeling. And that's what I was seeking on Giant Mountain, I wanted to know why. What kind of God would take her for himself and by doing so deny the world this amazing young woman who had the potential to make the world a better place?
Are you there God? It's me, Anne. You got some explaining to do........
* CIDP is an auto immune disease that causes weakness, fatigue and neuropathy and it is treated with IVIG, a blood product. It rarely causes death and her autopsy was inconclusive.
I was baptized fifty years ago in the Congregational Church in Pittsfield, NH. I got married in a church and went to Christmas and Easter services, but I am not a believer. Even as a child I questioned the existence of a higher power. Unless I could see, hear or touch him, God didn't seem real and the bible was just a collection of nice stories. The older I got, the more I believed that mercy, hope, faith and love all came from within ourselves and that evil was just evil and not the result of sin. No one was up there pulling strings and guiding everything, it was up to us as individuals to make something of our lives and those around us. It was the only thing that made sense to me.
A week and a half ago HM died. She was a home care patient of mine, a young woman with so much to offer. She didn't have cancer, but a weird *auto-immune disease that doesn't normally cause death. Every five weeks I would show up at her parents house and climb the stairs to her bedroom, put in an IV and start the medicine that would allow her to live a normal, productive life. In the early morning light, I fell in love with this curly headed girl who was full of joy. She was athletic, smart and funny and would chatter on about her life, making me smile and laugh. We would talk about school, boys, and books and she never failed to ask about my life and thank me for coming. Eventually she would fall asleep and I would let my eyes wander around her room focusing on all the trophies, posters, drawings and childhood memories tacked on her walls. It was a glimpse into her world, but it didn't tell her whole story. This was a girl with the potential to change and make the world better. She brought joy to everyone and was deeply loved. Her death at age 19 made no sense and if I couldn't understand it, how could her family possibly begin to? Devastated doesn't begin to describe what they are feeling. And that's what I was seeking on Giant Mountain, I wanted to know why. What kind of God would take her for himself and by doing so deny the world this amazing young woman who had the potential to make the world a better place?
Are you there God? It's me, Anne. You got some explaining to do........
* CIDP is an auto immune disease that causes weakness, fatigue and neuropathy and it is treated with IVIG, a blood product. It rarely causes death and her autopsy was inconclusive.
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