My Shitty Week
I hit some speed bumps this week. All I want to do is lose myself in something other than food and shopping, but the sun is still behind the clouds, the rain is still smacking me in the face and the wind is still blowing me over. So it's my BLOG and I'm going to unload my shitty week here. I just need to get it out. I don't need anyone to fix it, comfort me or worry, I just need to get it out. Hugs, however, are always acceptable.
I got played by my ex husband and my son and while they have both probably moved on, especially Ben, I feel bullied, used and just plain bad. Name calling is just dumb, but it hurts to be called "rotten to the core" and a "fucking stupid bitch". What are we twelve? I am so done with having an ex husband. We are so bad at communicating with each other, that things build until they erupt into a vile pit of hatred. All I want to know is if he is going to ever see Ben again and if he will contribute any money to the vast money pit that comes with braces, going to the prom, driving, sports and college prep.
I had my annual mammogram on Tuesday and by Wednesday I was contacted to come back for additional views. My appointment was for 7:45am on Friday and of course they were already 30 minutes behind when I arrived 10 minutes early. Finally it was my turn and after being squished to the point of popping, I was eventually escorted to a private room. There I was kindly informed they would like me back for a biopsy of an area in my left breast that was "concerning". Okay, let me just say I have never been proud of my breasts and now that I am 100 pounds lighter and they are completely deflated, resemble used tea bags, and have an area of concern, I really don't like them. Am I worried that I have cancer? No. I am so angry to have to go through an uncomfortable procedure that will take 2 1/2 hours of my time (15 minute procedure, the rest will be waiting) and will cost me $150.00 that I have stomped my feet repeatedly. But I will do it, because as unpleasant as it will be, I have promised myself to do everything in my power to get and stay healthy. So Wednesday, as I lay on my stomach, with the worrisome breast hanging down through a hole in the table so they can biopsy the spot using a MRI and a long needle, I will try my best to be patient and pleasant (two things that I am not good at). From my BLOG to my Goddess' ears, please don't let this year be the year of the breast.
Hiking has become my way to escape and I had planned on hiking with two of my favorite people on Friday. I wanted to share the mountain and all of it's glory with them. I wanted to sweat out all my negativity and find joy in the sun and the wind on my face. I wanted to see for miles and miles and feel the strength in me that allowed for the awesomeness of the moment. I wanted to escape. Instead it rained and sleeted and I didn't climb a mountain, didn't get to experience the joy and the negativity is still churning in my gut. Sunday I had planned on hiking with the ADK Hiking club, but Ben had a track meet (another day standing in clouds, rain and wind) and for the first time in many years, I have a cold. I woke up Saturday with a sore throat, sniffles, sneezing, a cough and a headache. Today I'm losing my voice. Icing on the cake, now I can't even scream with frustration.
I gained two pounds. I can hear all of you. Two pounds is no big deal, I agree. But it's the first time I have gained weight in over a year. Did I overeat? If I am being honest, probably, instead I am blaming my clothes, needing to poop and a sundry of other things. All I know for sure is that I did overeat two days in a row, didn't keep a food diary for two days and ate for reasons other than hunger (anger at my ex and a stupid mammogram result, for example). Food didn't fix anything.
Sorry to dump it all on you, but it had to go somewhere. It was a better choice than ice cream. Thankfully it's Sunday and I get to start a fresh new week and I feel much better now. Thank you.
I got played by my ex husband and my son and while they have both probably moved on, especially Ben, I feel bullied, used and just plain bad. Name calling is just dumb, but it hurts to be called "rotten to the core" and a "fucking stupid bitch". What are we twelve? I am so done with having an ex husband. We are so bad at communicating with each other, that things build until they erupt into a vile pit of hatred. All I want to know is if he is going to ever see Ben again and if he will contribute any money to the vast money pit that comes with braces, going to the prom, driving, sports and college prep.
I had my annual mammogram on Tuesday and by Wednesday I was contacted to come back for additional views. My appointment was for 7:45am on Friday and of course they were already 30 minutes behind when I arrived 10 minutes early. Finally it was my turn and after being squished to the point of popping, I was eventually escorted to a private room. There I was kindly informed they would like me back for a biopsy of an area in my left breast that was "concerning". Okay, let me just say I have never been proud of my breasts and now that I am 100 pounds lighter and they are completely deflated, resemble used tea bags, and have an area of concern, I really don't like them. Am I worried that I have cancer? No. I am so angry to have to go through an uncomfortable procedure that will take 2 1/2 hours of my time (15 minute procedure, the rest will be waiting) and will cost me $150.00 that I have stomped my feet repeatedly. But I will do it, because as unpleasant as it will be, I have promised myself to do everything in my power to get and stay healthy. So Wednesday, as I lay on my stomach, with the worrisome breast hanging down through a hole in the table so they can biopsy the spot using a MRI and a long needle, I will try my best to be patient and pleasant (two things that I am not good at). From my BLOG to my Goddess' ears, please don't let this year be the year of the breast.
Hiking has become my way to escape and I had planned on hiking with two of my favorite people on Friday. I wanted to share the mountain and all of it's glory with them. I wanted to sweat out all my negativity and find joy in the sun and the wind on my face. I wanted to see for miles and miles and feel the strength in me that allowed for the awesomeness of the moment. I wanted to escape. Instead it rained and sleeted and I didn't climb a mountain, didn't get to experience the joy and the negativity is still churning in my gut. Sunday I had planned on hiking with the ADK Hiking club, but Ben had a track meet (another day standing in clouds, rain and wind) and for the first time in many years, I have a cold. I woke up Saturday with a sore throat, sniffles, sneezing, a cough and a headache. Today I'm losing my voice. Icing on the cake, now I can't even scream with frustration.
I gained two pounds. I can hear all of you. Two pounds is no big deal, I agree. But it's the first time I have gained weight in over a year. Did I overeat? If I am being honest, probably, instead I am blaming my clothes, needing to poop and a sundry of other things. All I know for sure is that I did overeat two days in a row, didn't keep a food diary for two days and ate for reasons other than hunger (anger at my ex and a stupid mammogram result, for example). Food didn't fix anything.
Sorry to dump it all on you, but it had to go somewhere. It was a better choice than ice cream. Thankfully it's Sunday and I get to start a fresh new week and I feel much better now. Thank you.
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