"So Are You Dating?"

Walking the golf course on Saturday with a friend, the following question was posed. "So are you dating these days?"

I responded, "No, men weren't interested in me before and that really bugs me.  I'm the same person."

"Do you really think so?  I think you are different, more confident. You need to get over that." she replied.

I went on to say that men have never really liked me and I don't really like them much either and after years of living alone, I don't want to answer to anyone.

"Yeah but wouldn't it be nice to have someone paint the bathroom for you?", she replied, spoken like a single woman who painted her bathroom yesterday.  She headed home with her dog after the first half of the trail, leaving me pondering my lack of coupling on the second half.  Happiness doesn't come in the form of a man, but it would add something to my life.

"I think the lady doth protests too much, methinks"

I would love to have a partner, someone to share my life with, but I'm not sure that's in the cards for me. Men are a mystery, something unattainable and almost too much to hope for.  I married the first man that said "I love you", sure that no one else would ever say it again.  They always seem to have all the power and I feel small, unworthy and anxious around men.  I don't know what they want in a partner, but I'm pretty sure I'm not it.  And at fifty, the opportunity for a love life feels less and less likely. It's not as if I have never tried, but it just isn't happening for me and the longer I am single, the less hope I have. Being alone is not a bad thing and at times much easier on my psyche, after all your heart doesn't get broken if you never gift it.

If I had a wish list on characters I find attractive in men, it would be the following:  kind, honest, smart, well read, active, fun, adventurous, sincere and available (mentally and physically).  Plus, they need to have most of their own teeth, enjoy bathing on a regular basis, not be into drugs, alcohol, violence, and not live with their parents. Is it too much to ask for?  I don't need a perfect man, just a man perfect for me.  If I voice that, I'm afraid that I will come across desperate, lacking or by admitting it, I will look even more like a loser than I already am. Wanting is different than needing.

So what's a girl to do?  Keep going, learn to paint your own bathroom, fix your front door yourself (or hire someone), get a cat and love who are.

If you are single, eliminate the thought that something is lacking, and just live each day joyfully.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie