A Step Backward

I ate a cookie, which may not seem like a big deal, but it was. 


  re·lapse 

intr.v. re·lapsed, re·laps·ing, re·laps·es

1. To fall or slide back into a former state.

2. To regress after partial recovery from illness.

3. To slip back into bad ways; backslide.

n. A falling back into a former state, especially after apparent improvement.  Miriam Webster Dictionary

It wasn't about the cookie as much as it was about the behavior around it, the stealthy, secret, sneaky eating.  I could feel the panic and anxiety rise slowly in me throughout the day.  Heart beating, mouth dry and sweating, finding relief was all I could think about, all I could process, until I finally succumbed and ate the cookie, bit by bit, quickly, barely chewing and without taste, looking merely for the comfortable numb that follows.  I needed it.  I wasn't hungry and I didn't even register the sweet sugary frosting, the chewy moist dough, and the melting chocolate bits, I only knew that I couldn't fight the urge for one more second.  I needed it or I would explode.  Food is my addiction, my favorite way out.  And for the first time in almost a year, I used it.

I hate food.  I hate that it tastes good.  I hate that I need it to maintain my health.  I hate that I use it like a drug.  I hate that if I eat too little, I don't feel well and I hate that if I eat too much or too fast, I don't feel well.  I hate that I want to eat even if I'm not hungry.  I just hate it and the power it holds over me, the power that I give it.

"We all have one.  At least one.  A little darling.  A best friend.  A helper, a life raft.  An entrenched habit that is so comfortable, it feels like a hug or an island of calm. A fix."  Pam Peeke, MD  The Hunger Fix

So what brought on this intense panic and anxiety?  I'm afraid, though afraid might not be a strong enough word to describe how I feel.  My life was going along fine.  I was craving food, but it was lessening.  My weight was at an all time low and I don't go a day without people complimenting me.  And then......I started to panic.  I only know how to diet and how to over eat, maintaining my weight is something I've never managed to do.  My original goal weight was 130 pounds, but I weigh 122 and the thought of gaining even a few pounds sends me into a rapid swirling vortex of panic.  How the hell am I supposed to maintain my weight?  I'm either hungry, craving food or fighting hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) and my battle with food is making me crazy and cranky, which makes the yearning and anxiety even worse.  I've chewed entire packs of gum in an afternoon to try and calm down.  It's no wonder I can't sleep and fatigue just increases my tendencies to make bad decisions around food and the circle continues.  I was keeping it all inside, a secret I was afraid to voice.  No one gets it and  I feel alone.  Food is my drug, my addiction and I have used it to survive for fifty years, but that coping mechanism wasn't working for me.   Being thin doesn't change that.  Once again I am reminded that Gastric Bypass is just a tool, not an easy fix.  If you don't work on the shit in your head, then you might just as well not have the surgery.  So I'm sharing.  This is so fucking hard.  I'm human and I relapsed.  One step back and two steps forward.  I'm still going in the right direction.