Reflections In a Mirror

Even though I have been basking in my new found joy over a body capable of doing almost anything, every once in a while, reality butts in and tampers it down. Six pounds under my goal, it was time to buy clothes that fit and reality looked me in the face as I gazed at my reflection in the mirror in a dressing room at Macy's Department Store.

More so now, than 100 pounds ago, I had been avoiding mirrors.  Oh I glance every morning after getting dressed, but I don't stop and study my reflection.  I hadn't looked at my body naked at all until just recently when I was trying on clothes.  My first impression was not good, and though totally fascinated by seeing bones jutting out, my bowed legs (I wondered where Ben got them from), and my rounded and stooped shoulders;  the skin droop was just plain ugly.  I knew that losing a lot of weight would leave me with loose skin, but I never imagined that it would be this bad.  I resemble a stick of softened, melting butter.  Droopy flesh hangs off my bones and if I am being totally honest with myself, I kind of liked the Rubenesque naked version better.  Now I'm obsessed with staring in the mirror and trying to find a comfort level with my new foreign body and the more I look, the more I find myself asking, "Who is that woman?".    The closest I come to figuring it out is outdoors taking a long walk, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face and my body responding to putting one foot in front of the other.  The joy is still there.

This is another step in my journey, finding out who I am and accepting each and every droop and wrinkle.  Some people look into plastic surgery at this point, but I'm just not interested, at least not right now.  I need to stand up straight, pull my shoulders back, and continue going forward.   I know what I have to do and confronting my naked self is just another step.  I worry that no man will ever want my scrawny, droopy naked self, but I need to let that go, it was never for or about them.  This is about becoming healthy and loving me for who I am.  It was and is about finding inner beauty along with the health to let me share and savor it for a long, long time.

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