Now Go To Sleep

A year ago I was in complete denial.  I didn't have sleep apnea.  I didn't snore, snort, or gasp for air at night.  I wasn't fatigued, falling asleep at the movies, in front of the TV,while reading or, the scariest of all, while driving.  If my kids read this, they would be laughing.  All those things were happening.  But like New Jersey Governor Christie and actress Melissa McCarthy, I wanted to believe I was the healthiest fat person ever.

Being put on a CPap machine, though initially upsetting, was a good thing and I benefited from it greatly.  It was an important step in regaining my health.  Life is so much easier when not exhausted.  But as I lost more and more weight, the fit of the masks became an issue, and waking up in the morning with a sore, swollen,  red nose was irritating. I frequently needed nights off for my nose to heal and found myself wondering if I still needed it because my fatigue level was so low after taking a night off.  But there was only one way to know for sure and that is with a sleep study so off I went.

Three weeks ago I presented myself for a repeat study and once again I was hooked up to electrodes, monitors, and sensors.  The lights were turned off at exactly 10pm and on the way out the door the tech said, "It's time to go to sleep.  Oh, and I need to monitor you sleeping on your back  for a while too."  "Yeah right",  I muttered and rolled my eyes.  Somehow I managed to fall asleep under the watchful eye and recordings of the monitors, cameras, sensors, and the tech named Sue.  While it felt like I hardly slept, 6am came quick enough and once I was set free from all the wires and stuff, I was on my home for a quick shower and then to work.  The report and follow up appointment was two...long....weeks....away.


Last Wednesday I got the news I had been too afraid to even hope for.  I no longer had sleep apnea and wearing a C Pap was not necessary.  It was too much to process and it meant so much more to me than just sleeping without a machine.  It meant I was normal.  I wanted to weep with relief and jump for joy at the same time.  I was now free to travel, camp out, and go for sleep overs without any extra luggage.  I packed everything up when I got home and noted happily that my bedside table was no longer cluttered.  I could hardly wait to go to sleep.  The night before I had lain awake for a long time worried about the results and I was tired.  If only it was that simple.

I haven't had a good night sleep since.  I'm either too hot or too cold.  I turn the fan on, I turn the fan off.  My mind is racing. I get hungry.  The cat hogs the bed or I just can't get comfortable and the pillows need plumping or shifting.  I wake up several times a night.  I miss those nights of slipping on the mask and almost instantly dropping off to sleep.  What the hell happened?  It took two weeks to get used to sleeping with it and now I can't seem to sleep without it.

Along with being tired, my anxiety level has gone through the roof and the yearning to eat is out in full force.    I have chewed through entire packs of gum almost daily.  It's taken me some time to wrap my head around this, but I am scared.  My world has opened up and it scares the shit out of me.  I couldn't do things before because I was too heavy, had to use C Pap, too old, the weather wasn't good enough, my knees hurt, I couldn't miss my daily nap, you name the excuse and I used it to hide away in my house with my nose in a book or resting.  

Now I have no excuses and I am having a tough time moving out of my comfort zone.  It's like standing at the end of a pier getting ready to jump in the ocean on a hot summer day.  You are hot and uncomfortable, yet you know the water is cold.  You know it will feel great once the initial shock is gone.  You know it will be exhilarating, but still you are hesitating.  That's where I am, at the end of the pier, nervous I won't be able to tolerate the cold, but knowing my hesitation and fear are taking away from my enjoyment of the moment.  I just need to jump and it's that indecisive gray area that I'm stuck in.