For The Love of T.P.
Every once in a while a patient comes along and touches a part of my heart that I keep hidden and protected from everyday life. T.P. was one of those patients and she recently lost her battle with Endometrial Cancer.
Her memorial service was Saturday and I didn't go. I couldn't, not because I was busy or because I didn't value her, but because it would have hurt too much. Instead I found myself visiting her Facebook site and the Condolence site at the Funeral Home. I wept for her family and friends who loved her and myself, not because I couldn't save her, but because I will never see her smile again or experience the kindness and love that was T.P. Cancer sucks, but if it wasn't for this horrible disease I might never have met her, but I have a hard time being grateful for the disease that brought such a special person in my life. The saddest part of my job has always been that I never knew my patients before they became ill. I never knew what kind of artist T was, what her favorite flower was, what her real life away from Cancer was, but I knew that when faced with adversity T was simply amazing. I will miss her terribly not only as her nurse but as her friend. T got me in a way few others ever have. I loved her and she loved me.
People ask me constantly how I can do my job, how I can care for people who I know will die from their disease. I liken death to giving birth. When you first find out you are pregnant, you are not ready to give birth and be a mother, but when it's time, you are ready. Death is no different, when it's time they are ready, family and friends may not be, but the patient is ready for it to be over, for the suffering to end. I continue to be a nurse because I like to help people live their lives fully until they can't any more, and when they can't I want them to go in peace.
After 20 years I don't know how much longer I can do this, how many more people I can love and lose. I don't do this for my employers, because lord knows they don't value or respect me, but for the love of T.P. and others and the battle they share and trust me with. I do it for them.
Her memorial service was Saturday and I didn't go. I couldn't, not because I was busy or because I didn't value her, but because it would have hurt too much. Instead I found myself visiting her Facebook site and the Condolence site at the Funeral Home. I wept for her family and friends who loved her and myself, not because I couldn't save her, but because I will never see her smile again or experience the kindness and love that was T.P. Cancer sucks, but if it wasn't for this horrible disease I might never have met her, but I have a hard time being grateful for the disease that brought such a special person in my life. The saddest part of my job has always been that I never knew my patients before they became ill. I never knew what kind of artist T was, what her favorite flower was, what her real life away from Cancer was, but I knew that when faced with adversity T was simply amazing. I will miss her terribly not only as her nurse but as her friend. T got me in a way few others ever have. I loved her and she loved me.
People ask me constantly how I can do my job, how I can care for people who I know will die from their disease. I liken death to giving birth. When you first find out you are pregnant, you are not ready to give birth and be a mother, but when it's time, you are ready. Death is no different, when it's time they are ready, family and friends may not be, but the patient is ready for it to be over, for the suffering to end. I continue to be a nurse because I like to help people live their lives fully until they can't any more, and when they can't I want them to go in peace.
After 20 years I don't know how much longer I can do this, how many more people I can love and lose. I don't do this for my employers, because lord knows they don't value or respect me, but for the love of T.P. and others and the battle they share and trust me with. I do it for them.
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