Good Enough
Last January when I started my weight loss journey, every doctor I saw wanted to know what my goal weight was. At the time I weighed 226.8 pounds and my BMI was 46. I replied the same thing to all of them, I would be satisfied at 140 pounds. My bypass surgeon said no and the goal weight became a reasonable 130. The physician who was in charge of my nutrition was appalled and wanted 120, but some people should and need to be ignored. Yesterday I weighed in at 133.8, and at 4'11'' my BMI is now 27. I am still considered overweight but it is much better than morbidly obese and more importantly, a lot healthier.
So 90 pounds of me is gone, but I am fixated on these four stupid little pounds, actually 3.8. And every day I ask the same question, "Isn't this good enough?". I have dieted and lost weight many times before but have never reached my goal weight. I want this time to be different. The closer I get to my goal, the harder it is and the more I yearn for food. I recognize the problem is not hunger for food, but a hunger for self acceptance and just being good enough. I still want to run away and escape my life. I still feel alone and still struggle to be a good mother, sister, daughter, friend, nurse and citizen. My rotten core is still there but I no longer numb it with food and it is that raw ache that is yearning for something. Gastric bypass was not my path to happiness and I didn't expect it to be. It was just a tool to help me regain my health. The rest is up to me. And it's the rest that I am struggling with. I'm still learning to comfort myself without food.
Where did this feeling originate that I wasn't good enough? I have always expected more of myself than others and thought that happiness would come if I was just good enough, maybe even perfect. I have set myself up for failure my whole life and while it might be helpful to rid myself of old ghosts, I'd rather move forward and define myself in more positive ways. So I am going to make my goal weight and I am going to be okay with being good enough, right now............ just the way I am.
So 90 pounds of me is gone, but I am fixated on these four stupid little pounds, actually 3.8. And every day I ask the same question, "Isn't this good enough?". I have dieted and lost weight many times before but have never reached my goal weight. I want this time to be different. The closer I get to my goal, the harder it is and the more I yearn for food. I recognize the problem is not hunger for food, but a hunger for self acceptance and just being good enough. I still want to run away and escape my life. I still feel alone and still struggle to be a good mother, sister, daughter, friend, nurse and citizen. My rotten core is still there but I no longer numb it with food and it is that raw ache that is yearning for something. Gastric bypass was not my path to happiness and I didn't expect it to be. It was just a tool to help me regain my health. The rest is up to me. And it's the rest that I am struggling with. I'm still learning to comfort myself without food.
Where did this feeling originate that I wasn't good enough? I have always expected more of myself than others and thought that happiness would come if I was just good enough, maybe even perfect. I have set myself up for failure my whole life and while it might be helpful to rid myself of old ghosts, I'd rather move forward and define myself in more positive ways. So I am going to make my goal weight and I am going to be okay with being good enough, right now............ just the way I am.
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