Sitting With It

I think about food all day, every day.  I wake up thinking about breakfast and I go to bed hungry.  Food is so pervasive in my mind, that at the end of the day, I'm not sure what I ate or what I just thought about eating.  I miss it, not the taste, but the numbing quality and the sense of relief it brought me.

I don't know how to be Anne anymore.  I don't know how to be mad, how to be bored, how to soothe myself, how to be social, how to do anything without food.  The feelings are too raw without something to numb them.  Every day is a big scary new experience for me. I don't regret my decision and I enjoy wearing a size 8, but the adjustment is much harder than I thought.  I asked about this before the surgery and no one was talking about it.  I could tell it hit home with a few because they wouldn't meet my eye.  I cannot be the only food addicted person to have had Gastric Bypass Surgery.  I know I am not alone.

A good friend of mine, who was a alcoholic, told me to just sit with the feelings.  Plant your feet on the ground and just feel it, to be one with the little girl who was lost and broken. Maybe I needed to be listened to 40 years ago before becoming the adult who pushed everyone away believing I wasn't worthy and numbed herself with food.  So I sit with her and cry those tears and tell the secrets and try to be okay with the hidden parts of my rotten core.   But it's so fucking hard.

I'm learning that I am more than what I eat.  I am Anne, a person worth loving, worth taking care of.



Who can turn the world on with her smile?
Who can take a nothing day, and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile?
Well it's you girl, and you should know it
With each glance and every little movement you show it
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all
How will you make it on your own?
This world is awfully big, girl this time you're all alone
But it's time you started living
It's time you let someone else do some giving
Love is all around, no need to waste it
You can have a town, why don't you take it
You're gonna make it after all
You're gonna make it after all

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