Sweet and Sour

Like everyone else, my life is a mixed bag, sweet and sour.


I've lost 62 pounds.
I still feel like a fat, unattractive person.

My current size is a 12, occasionally even a 10.
I feel better physically, but my demons are still around and causing grief.

I can't eat much, but it's getting better and I'm tolerating things without as much discomfort.
I. want. to. eat. so. bad.  I dream of eating something so delicious that it will take away all my pain.


My CPaP makes me feel better.  I sleep great and I have no fatigue. But I want to get rid of it, please.
Despite my weight loss, the Doctor told me Monday, that my sleep apnea is no better and I would still need it, probably for life.

I love my patients at work.  They are remarkable, brave and inspiring women.
But the need for a magic wand never goes away and it brings me to tears sometimes.


I enjoy my co workers and my job.
But there are a few who I don't and I give them the power to ruin my day.  Fuck that!


I have a few days off.
I'm letting the hell of last week continue to bother me.  WHY? it's time to let it go.


Ben has a job Monday through Thursday 9am -1pm.
He was a beast to get up in this morning, what an asshole.

Sam has a great job and it could lead to better things down the road.
He's not getting paid and I worry about money.

Both boys are home for the summer.
No one is ever home for dinner, but they would like food at 9pm.  I can't wait until 9 to eat and end up making 2 dinners.


My house is a mess.
I don't care, except that I really do.





I could go on and on.  Why this summer is so hard, I don't know.  But it's a struggle some days, especially yesterday and today.  As Winston Churchill said, "when going through hell, just keep on going".  I know my life is not hell, far from it, but I need to find some joy and happiness within myself.  And maybe stop beating myself up.  It's time to find my own grace wave to ride it to its fullest.