Proud
What I knew I didn't want to hear was "congratulations, I'm proud of you". I had heard enough of it in the previous two plus weeks. Instead I just wanted to be left alone to mend and make sense of my whirlwind of emotions, not the least of which was "what the fuck have I done?".
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my decision but it's very hard to be immediately happy with a choice that has made you feel so utterly crappy. My surgery was two and a half weeks ago and only now do I feel human for a few blessed minutes a day. My belly alternates between a gnawing ache, nausea, gassy cramps, fullness and occasionally pain. Rarely am I unaware of how my stomach feels. The rest of me feels weak and lethargic, though I did manage to walk three miles today. And with everyday I remind myself, this was my choice and it was the only choice that gave me hope.
But the whole "proud" thing gets my back up and after chewing on it for a few days, I'm starting to make sense of it. For me getting bypass surgery was like throwing in the towel. I had given up and it was either surgery or living a life of poor health and hating how I looked. The surgery was a hard decision and an even harder process just to get to it scheduled. I didn't understand why people were proud of me. I had failed and it was evident everyday from my massive double chin to my Wonder Bread squishy soft pendulous belly and cellulite buttocks.
Today while walking, I made mental list of what I was proud of.
1. I am proud of seeking help instead of giving up.
2. I am proud that I did not give up during the 5 month pre operative process. I never once wavered.
3. I am proud that I had the inner strength to go forward.
So while I can choose to think of myself as a failure, maybe those who said, "I'm proud of you" saw it as a step in the right direction. Or maybe they recognized what a hard decision it was to make, or were just plain being supportive. It doesn't matter why they said it, they saw something in my decision or in me that I didn't, and that is my blessing. And if they can see it, why can't I?
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret my decision but it's very hard to be immediately happy with a choice that has made you feel so utterly crappy. My surgery was two and a half weeks ago and only now do I feel human for a few blessed minutes a day. My belly alternates between a gnawing ache, nausea, gassy cramps, fullness and occasionally pain. Rarely am I unaware of how my stomach feels. The rest of me feels weak and lethargic, though I did manage to walk three miles today. And with everyday I remind myself, this was my choice and it was the only choice that gave me hope.
But the whole "proud" thing gets my back up and after chewing on it for a few days, I'm starting to make sense of it. For me getting bypass surgery was like throwing in the towel. I had given up and it was either surgery or living a life of poor health and hating how I looked. The surgery was a hard decision and an even harder process just to get to it scheduled. I didn't understand why people were proud of me. I had failed and it was evident everyday from my massive double chin to my Wonder Bread squishy soft pendulous belly and cellulite buttocks.
Today while walking, I made mental list of what I was proud of.
1. I am proud of seeking help instead of giving up.
2. I am proud that I did not give up during the 5 month pre operative process. I never once wavered.
3. I am proud that I had the inner strength to go forward.
So while I can choose to think of myself as a failure, maybe those who said, "I'm proud of you" saw it as a step in the right direction. Or maybe they recognized what a hard decision it was to make, or were just plain being supportive. It doesn't matter why they said it, they saw something in my decision or in me that I didn't, and that is my blessing. And if they can see it, why can't I?
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