Swimgirl Is Back

In December, while shopping for Christmas presents, I saw a pin in the shape of a woman swimming.  I wanted to buy it, but instead I returned to my car and cried in shame.  I was not deserving of wearing that pin.  Swimgirl was no longer.

I've been writing under Swimgirl since the start of my Blog and using it as my email address for even longer.  I thought I would swim for the rest of my life when I started using it and then one day I stopped swimming.  I kept thinking I would swim the next day or the next Sunday or whatever, but I never made it and days became months and finally one year had passed.  It was no longer in my plans for the day and my swim bag was put away still fully packed.  Swimgirl existed in name only. And when I gained 80lbs, my shame was complete. I couldn't go back.

I've begun exercising again as part of my gastric bypass journey.  The first time I got back into the pool, everything that I feared and had kept me from swimming, happened.  My bathing suit was too tight, my side boob fat running into my back fat was... well...there are no words to describe it.  I had cellulite on my thighs and my gut stuck out more than my chest.  Squeezing into that bathing suit was a workout on it's own (every woman reading this knows what I'm talking about) and the hot flashes brought on by anxiety and age did not help.  Shame in my body escorted me to the pool deck and I was relieved to hide in the water. The pool was full of men and one skinny woman and my favorite lane was taken.  My goggles steamed up the whole time and I had to abandon my swim cap early on because it was too tight.  But I swam for 30 minutes anyway and by the time I got out, my shame had vaporized and was replaced by a "thata girl".  I did it and that swim meant more to me that anything I had experienced in a long time.  I was starting to find myself again. Yesterday after getting out of the pool, my endorphins were singing and dancing in joy and I wondered how I could have allowed myself to stop.  It was so intense that for a few glorious moments, I let myself sing out loud, out of tune and not caring what people thought of me.  I also have been walking again, and though I haven't been swimming the lengths,or walking the distance I used too, I'm trudging along.  I had forgotten the joy I felt by allowing the water to hold me while letting my body go and the feeling of sun and wind on my face as I walked.

A few weeks ago I drove to the store with the pin and bought it. A week later I put it on my coat.