Missing Christmas
I miss Christmas. Don’t get me wrong, I still enjoy the holiday, but it’s just not the same. It’s no longer “the best day ever”. As a kid I hated the day after Christmas because it meant we had to wait a whole year for Christmas again. I had loved it so much, that I wanted to experience it over and over again.
I miss waking up and checking in with my sister Martha to see if it was too early to wake up Mom and Dad to see what Santa brought. We would whisper and tip toe into their bedroom to check on them, each time hoping for the sign we could get up, instead of the growl to go back to bed. Going downstairs on Christmas morning and seeing all the gifts was so exciting. It took our breath away.
The first time I saw “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” was at Aunt Frances’ house and she had a color TV. I’ll never forget how excited I was. Going to Aunt Frances’s house meant getting new mittens. God those mittens were awesome, who even makes mittens anymore?
I miss the Christmas dresses bought for us by Auntie Barbara. I didn’t worry about my weight or what size dress it was, I just loved that it was a pretty party dress to twirl in. I miss Christmas Eve Clam Chowder and I miss Daddy coming home from work that evening, happy to be with us. I miss the crazy tradition of dressing in the Christmas spirit. My Dad would hang a red bulb from his work pocket and my Mom would have a bow in her hair.
And even now, forty years later, I still miss the elation of getting a new pair of skates and ice skating on Christmas Day. Most years we went to Nana’s house but the one year we didn’t, we skated all day long. My neighbor’s yard had frozen over that year because of a broken pipe from our house and it made a beautiful rink. I imagined I was Janet Lynn as I glided across the expanse, ducking the tree limbs along the way.
At my Grandparent’s house we would sometimes get money from Nana and Gramps. Twenty dollars in the seventies was a big deal. One year it was wrapped on an empty paper towel tube. It was fun even when my Uncles got all crabby about picking up the wrapping paper, sure that we would lose the money, just like I did this year with Ben and his gift cards.
When I met Bill, it was magical for different reasons. We got engaged at Christmas and married later that summer. We were so naive and young, but it still holds good memories years later, even though he left me just after Christmas in our final year together sixteen years later. I miss being in love most of all at Christmas.
The only thing better than being a kid at Christmas, is having your own young children to relive the moment again. I’ll never forget the year we found Sam asleep on the stairs as we went to be bed. He was waiting for Santa in his little footed jammies curled up in a ball precariously balanced on a step. When Ben came along it was even better. Little scampering feet excited to see if Santa came. And long after Sam stopped believing I had Ben to keep the fun going. I was always the one who woke up early in excitement and nudged them awake shortly after. I miss that, the innocence and excitement of my boys.
Christmas Day this year I had to wake them up. I tried, but I couldn’t wait past 10:30. The number of presents has dropped each year. I finally realized I didn’t have to buy everything in order for them to love me. They would anyway. Instead this year I got things I knew they would love. And even though no one had footed jammies on and they no longer believed, I still loved it.
Once again this year it was a lot of traveling on my part. I hate driving. And I really hate unfolding my body after a long ride and wanting to scream in pain when my knees are forced to work. But I love seeing my family and being part of something bigger than a dreaded car ride. My sister Nancy said it best, “Hi Martha and Anne -- the best gift is having us all together -- I don't need anything and would really rather you not spend any money. I'm happy with us all bringing food to the gathering and our beautiful selves. What do you think?” I thought it was awesome. And it was just as awesome to spend time with my Aunt, Uncle, Cousins and her crazy boys. Watching the big boys play with the little boys was the best.
Mostly what I miss about Christmas is my Mother. She’s still alive, but in many ways she’s gone. Dementia, mental illness and physical limitations have stolen her away. I miss the bows in her hair and the dining room table awash with wrapping paper and ribbons each year. I miss her beautifully wrapped presents and hearing the Hallelujah Chorus on her record player. From now on it will be a visit to the nursing home, hoping she remembers us. As with my Mom, magic of the holiday has slowly disappeared. I miss it.
I miss waking up and checking in with my sister Martha to see if it was too early to wake up Mom and Dad to see what Santa brought. We would whisper and tip toe into their bedroom to check on them, each time hoping for the sign we could get up, instead of the growl to go back to bed. Going downstairs on Christmas morning and seeing all the gifts was so exciting. It took our breath away.
The first time I saw “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” was at Aunt Frances’ house and she had a color TV. I’ll never forget how excited I was. Going to Aunt Frances’s house meant getting new mittens. God those mittens were awesome, who even makes mittens anymore?
I miss the Christmas dresses bought for us by Auntie Barbara. I didn’t worry about my weight or what size dress it was, I just loved that it was a pretty party dress to twirl in. I miss Christmas Eve Clam Chowder and I miss Daddy coming home from work that evening, happy to be with us. I miss the crazy tradition of dressing in the Christmas spirit. My Dad would hang a red bulb from his work pocket and my Mom would have a bow in her hair.
And even now, forty years later, I still miss the elation of getting a new pair of skates and ice skating on Christmas Day. Most years we went to Nana’s house but the one year we didn’t, we skated all day long. My neighbor’s yard had frozen over that year because of a broken pipe from our house and it made a beautiful rink. I imagined I was Janet Lynn as I glided across the expanse, ducking the tree limbs along the way.
At my Grandparent’s house we would sometimes get money from Nana and Gramps. Twenty dollars in the seventies was a big deal. One year it was wrapped on an empty paper towel tube. It was fun even when my Uncles got all crabby about picking up the wrapping paper, sure that we would lose the money, just like I did this year with Ben and his gift cards.
When I met Bill, it was magical for different reasons. We got engaged at Christmas and married later that summer. We were so naive and young, but it still holds good memories years later, even though he left me just after Christmas in our final year together sixteen years later. I miss being in love most of all at Christmas.
The only thing better than being a kid at Christmas, is having your own young children to relive the moment again. I’ll never forget the year we found Sam asleep on the stairs as we went to be bed. He was waiting for Santa in his little footed jammies curled up in a ball precariously balanced on a step. When Ben came along it was even better. Little scampering feet excited to see if Santa came. And long after Sam stopped believing I had Ben to keep the fun going. I was always the one who woke up early in excitement and nudged them awake shortly after. I miss that, the innocence and excitement of my boys.
Christmas Day this year I had to wake them up. I tried, but I couldn’t wait past 10:30. The number of presents has dropped each year. I finally realized I didn’t have to buy everything in order for them to love me. They would anyway. Instead this year I got things I knew they would love. And even though no one had footed jammies on and they no longer believed, I still loved it.
Once again this year it was a lot of traveling on my part. I hate driving. And I really hate unfolding my body after a long ride and wanting to scream in pain when my knees are forced to work. But I love seeing my family and being part of something bigger than a dreaded car ride. My sister Nancy said it best, “Hi Martha and Anne -- the best gift is having us all together -- I don't need anything and would really rather you not spend any money. I'm happy with us all bringing food to the gathering and our beautiful selves. What do you think?” I thought it was awesome. And it was just as awesome to spend time with my Aunt, Uncle, Cousins and her crazy boys. Watching the big boys play with the little boys was the best.
Mostly what I miss about Christmas is my Mother. She’s still alive, but in many ways she’s gone. Dementia, mental illness and physical limitations have stolen her away. I miss the bows in her hair and the dining room table awash with wrapping paper and ribbons each year. I miss her beautifully wrapped presents and hearing the Hallelujah Chorus on her record player. From now on it will be a visit to the nursing home, hoping she remembers us. As with my Mom, magic of the holiday has slowly disappeared. I miss it.
Wow, this is a very emotional post. I really love the feelings and memories it brought back to me too. Hope you have a wonderful 2012, Anne!
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