What About Love?
Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, the number two holiday for greeting cards and the number one for flowers. The news said the average person spends about $115.00 on Valentine’s Day. In the spirit of cupid, I set out to find out about love and what makes a marriage a long and successful one.
The first person I asked was my 14yo son who was being held hostage at the dinner table. “What does love mean?” He thought for a minute and finally replied, “Doing something nice for someone you care about”. After a minute or two, I asked him to take the garbage out after dinner. His head popped up and he said, “wait….what?....no, it’s cold out there” and slunk off leaving his dirty dinner plate behind. After that I decided to take my question to a larger audience. Thanks to my friends, co workers, family, patients, and Facebook, this is what I learned.
So what makes a long happy relationship work? Well almost everyone told me commitment, communication and a sense of humor was important. My sister Nancy put some thought into it and sent me this, “Don and I have been married for 34 years. I love him dearly, and for most of those 34 years I have also actually liked him. That and our senses of humor have kept us together through thick and thin. Believe me, there have been some tough times...but our commitment to each other has been unshakable.” Humor was vital to many people. One woman told me,”Marry someone who is funny, my husband keeps me laughing all the time”. Even Michelle Obama said it was key, “laughter is the best form of unity, I think, in a marriage”. The best example of humor in a long relationship came from a couple who have been married for 64 years. When I asked them what the key was, she paused, thinking for a moment. Her husband said, “I’d talk but she doesn’t like it when I interrupt”. They both laughed and their happiness as a couple was evident. Another favorite was when a man said, “love honor and after 50 years, we’re still working on the obey part”. He and his wife laughed together.
Being together and being separate were themes for many people. Sharing activities and having similar values were important to some, but having separate identities and different interests were just as important to others. Two of the Doctors I work for both agreed working 16 hour days made their marriage stronger. Working different shifts got the same response. In the same vein, having separate bathrooms, having time apart, a queen/king sized bed, individual checking accounts and their own car were vital to some.
Someone close to me felt that loving the whole person, even their ugly side, is what made a relationship strong. Really listening, being real and embracing and respecting the whole person in any relationship was important according to a nun I asked. She also told me it wasn’t one thing, but a myriad of things that needed tending and care within the relationship. My divorced friends all added trust, honor and a willingness to stick it out during tough times. Also not taking for granted the love and feelings of the other but being an active, honest participant.
Not one single person mentioned gifts, flowers or spending money as the key. My questions led to some great conversations and expressions of love. But they all missed one thing…luck. It’s a lucky person who finds their soul mate and is blessed to have their special someone in their life for a long time. I hope to find that special person, that’s just right for me, and when I do, I will treasure it with everything in me. Thank you for all the great answers. How do I love you? Let me count the ways. Or maybe you had it at “Hello”.
The first person I asked was my 14yo son who was being held hostage at the dinner table. “What does love mean?” He thought for a minute and finally replied, “Doing something nice for someone you care about”. After a minute or two, I asked him to take the garbage out after dinner. His head popped up and he said, “wait….what?....no, it’s cold out there” and slunk off leaving his dirty dinner plate behind. After that I decided to take my question to a larger audience. Thanks to my friends, co workers, family, patients, and Facebook, this is what I learned.
So what makes a long happy relationship work? Well almost everyone told me commitment, communication and a sense of humor was important. My sister Nancy put some thought into it and sent me this, “Don and I have been married for 34 years. I love him dearly, and for most of those 34 years I have also actually liked him. That and our senses of humor have kept us together through thick and thin. Believe me, there have been some tough times...but our commitment to each other has been unshakable.” Humor was vital to many people. One woman told me,”Marry someone who is funny, my husband keeps me laughing all the time”. Even Michelle Obama said it was key, “laughter is the best form of unity, I think, in a marriage”. The best example of humor in a long relationship came from a couple who have been married for 64 years. When I asked them what the key was, she paused, thinking for a moment. Her husband said, “I’d talk but she doesn’t like it when I interrupt”. They both laughed and their happiness as a couple was evident. Another favorite was when a man said, “love honor and after 50 years, we’re still working on the obey part”. He and his wife laughed together.
Being together and being separate were themes for many people. Sharing activities and having similar values were important to some, but having separate identities and different interests were just as important to others. Two of the Doctors I work for both agreed working 16 hour days made their marriage stronger. Working different shifts got the same response. In the same vein, having separate bathrooms, having time apart, a queen/king sized bed, individual checking accounts and their own car were vital to some.
Someone close to me felt that loving the whole person, even their ugly side, is what made a relationship strong. Really listening, being real and embracing and respecting the whole person in any relationship was important according to a nun I asked. She also told me it wasn’t one thing, but a myriad of things that needed tending and care within the relationship. My divorced friends all added trust, honor and a willingness to stick it out during tough times. Also not taking for granted the love and feelings of the other but being an active, honest participant.
Not one single person mentioned gifts, flowers or spending money as the key. My questions led to some great conversations and expressions of love. But they all missed one thing…luck. It’s a lucky person who finds their soul mate and is blessed to have their special someone in their life for a long time. I hope to find that special person, that’s just right for me, and when I do, I will treasure it with everything in me. Thank you for all the great answers. How do I love you? Let me count the ways. Or maybe you had it at “Hello”.
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