Parenthood
Over Columbus Day Weekend, my ex husband Bill and his wife Diane, went to Parents Weekend at SUNY Buffalo. I worked my second job. It was a very busy weekend and I worked really hard. I knew they were going and I didn't care.
On his radio show, the Tuesday following, Sam thanked his parents for coming and said how much fun he had. After working my ass off on the weekend, getting chewed out by my boss, and having a really bad day, my feelings were hurt and I turned the radio show off. I tried to tell Sam how I felt the next day and he totally didn't get it and got mad. I should have kept it to myself.
So what's it all about? In two words, I'm afraid. When Bill left, I felt like I'd lost everything, except my boys, but I could easily lose them too. I'm afraid that they love their father more than they love me, or even worse they love Diane more than me. I'm afraid that they will pick him. I'm afraid to spend yet another holiday alone waiting for the guys to come home. I'm afraid they will forget my birthday again. And I'm even more afraid if my fears come out in my attitude and actions that I will drive them away. Over the years,this has slowly gotten better, but Sam referring to his Dad and Diane as his parents brought it all back to me.
Ben tried to explain it to me. "Of course she's a parent. She's got Mother in her name, so she's a parent." Maybe it's just that simple. The only people who understood how I felt were other single parents. I understand that this all comes from my insecurities and I hate that it comes out in my behavior with my kids. It will drive them away. My own mother did that to us when we were kids. She was so unhappy that she clung to us in an unhealthy way. I hated it and I don't want to do that to my kids.
I'm happy that Bill found a good woman to marry. I'm happy that he is happy. I'm glad that she loves my children and they love her. How can it be a bad thing that they have another person who loves them? Jealousy and envy are energy sucking and my insecurities are the fuel. It's time to let it go and move on. I am their Mother and I love them to the moon and back. It's just that simple.
On his radio show, the Tuesday following, Sam thanked his parents for coming and said how much fun he had. After working my ass off on the weekend, getting chewed out by my boss, and having a really bad day, my feelings were hurt and I turned the radio show off. I tried to tell Sam how I felt the next day and he totally didn't get it and got mad. I should have kept it to myself.
So what's it all about? In two words, I'm afraid. When Bill left, I felt like I'd lost everything, except my boys, but I could easily lose them too. I'm afraid that they love their father more than they love me, or even worse they love Diane more than me. I'm afraid that they will pick him. I'm afraid to spend yet another holiday alone waiting for the guys to come home. I'm afraid they will forget my birthday again. And I'm even more afraid if my fears come out in my attitude and actions that I will drive them away. Over the years,this has slowly gotten better, but Sam referring to his Dad and Diane as his parents brought it all back to me.
Ben tried to explain it to me. "Of course she's a parent. She's got Mother in her name, so she's a parent." Maybe it's just that simple. The only people who understood how I felt were other single parents. I understand that this all comes from my insecurities and I hate that it comes out in my behavior with my kids. It will drive them away. My own mother did that to us when we were kids. She was so unhappy that she clung to us in an unhealthy way. I hated it and I don't want to do that to my kids.
I'm happy that Bill found a good woman to marry. I'm happy that he is happy. I'm glad that she loves my children and they love her. How can it be a bad thing that they have another person who loves them? Jealousy and envy are energy sucking and my insecurities are the fuel. It's time to let it go and move on. I am their Mother and I love them to the moon and back. It's just that simple.
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