Christmas Blues

I thought I had it together this year. I thought that this would be the year that I would love Christmas again. I was very excited for it to come. And then it hit, for the fourth straight year, I would be alone for Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day. The old me was creeping in "Christmas isn't meant for people like me. It's only meant for people who have someone who loves them. If I just hadn't failed in my marriage, I wouldn't be punished like this." This was also the second straight year I didn't have them for Thanksgiving. For some reason Bill can't bring Ben to soccer or watch one of his games or buy them shoes, but he gets them every year at Christmas and I simply roll over and let it happen.

I have it planned out what I'm going to do. I'll go for a swim (the benefits of swimming at the Jewish Community Center). I'll get food ready for the weekend. I'll make the best dinner ever. I'll sleep late. It will be okay, but the sadness creeps in and it is overwhelming when I think of it. Most of all I don't want the sadness to ruin my time with them and my family. I don't want for my kids what Martha and I had every year at Christmas, a Mother who was full of anger and sadness. I understand it more now that I'm an adult and also Mother, but I still don't want it for my kids. It's bad enough that they are forced to go back and forth between their Dad and I. Our failure has already caused sadness with them, I don't want it make it worse.

I just want my kids. I hate sharing with a man who doesn't play fair. I hate being alone and I want someone in my life to love and who loves me. Now that I've said it, I feel better. Maybe I won't get ice cream for dinner and maybe I won't sit here and cry. I can't control everything, I can't change anything, but I can choose to be happy and I can choose to be positive. This will take some work, right now they are just words on a blog and I'm not sure I believe them.

Thank you for listening. Don't feel the need to cheer me up. I have been blessed with so many wonderful things and people. This too will pass. As my Dad used to say"just do the best you can do and that's always good enough".