FOOD
I have had a love hate relationship with food my whole life. I think I started to binge on food in elementary school. I remember rushing home from school and eating until I had tampered down that sense of panic. In high school, I stole money from Mom to buy junk food. My favorite was Suzy Q's. When Bill and I first moved in together it was Double Stuffed Oreos that I would binge on. Ice cream has always been a huge presence in my life. The cold sweetness of it on my tongue just gives me such a sense of peace and calm. It felt like I had a huge hole in my soul that needed to be fed or I would lose my mind or I would scream and never be able to stop. It was never ending and it was never full. I knew in January it was time to stop. I have lost a lot of weight since then. I started at 206.8 and now I weigh 148. The hole in my soul still hungers, but it's getting smaller and I'm not feeding it as often. I'm trying to listen to it instead.
I feel like I've been on a long journey since January, made up of hills, twists,and turns. It's been uphill and challenging at times, but until recently it's been okay. Right now, I've got just a short way to go but I've gotten to a cliff and I am struggling. To my right is the long journey I've been on and I look back on it with awe and pride. But to the left is a scary, deep canyon filled with a massive ice cream sundae with chocolate chip ice cream, rivers of hot fudge and mounds of whipped cream. I want to dive in. But crowded around the canyon are huge sharp rocks jutting out. I'm likely to die jumping to get to the ice cream. Those rocks signify heart disease, kidney disease, hypertension, diabetes, and a life time of poor health. While I love the journey I've been on, I'm so scared I'll pick the canyon. I think about food every waking hour. I think about what I'm going to eat, when I going to eat, and how many calories are in it. I spend more time thinking about food than anything else.
I'm very good with my food choices in everyday life. I can control things. I eat healthy, get tons of exercise and feel good. But I have a tough time with social situations. I feel awkward and struggle with feeling comfortable. And there is food everywhere. I can't handle it and the hole in my soul screams for relief and I eat. In those moments I fear that I'm not better, I'm just a fat girl hiding out in my size 8 jeans and it would take nothing to gain all the weight back. Again.
The difference this time is that I know it isn't about the size 8 jeans, or will power, or that men will finally like me if I'm thin, or that happiness comes with being skinny. This time I'm trying to listen to the screams and not numb them. It's time to finally listen to them. I want to hug people and not have the safety of fat to protect me. Healthy food makes me feel good. I've learned to love healthy foods, that in the past I never would have eaten. This time I want to be healthy, I want to live to be old and still swim and walk for miles and play with my future grandchildren. I want to believe that being in my fifties is being middle aged. So I'm trying to stick to my journey and forgive my food binges and keep going. I'm trying to mother myself. When a child is upset, lonely, sad and feeling anxious, you don't feed them, you love them. That's being a good Mother. Sometimes it's so hard and I struggle. The struggles are the lessons and it's my choice whether I embrace them or smother them down with food. It's my responsibility.
I feel like I've been on a long journey since January, made up of hills, twists,and turns. It's been uphill and challenging at times, but until recently it's been okay. Right now, I've got just a short way to go but I've gotten to a cliff and I am struggling. To my right is the long journey I've been on and I look back on it with awe and pride. But to the left is a scary, deep canyon filled with a massive ice cream sundae with chocolate chip ice cream, rivers of hot fudge and mounds of whipped cream. I want to dive in. But crowded around the canyon are huge sharp rocks jutting out. I'm likely to die jumping to get to the ice cream. Those rocks signify heart disease, kidney disease, hypertension, diabetes, and a life time of poor health. While I love the journey I've been on, I'm so scared I'll pick the canyon. I think about food every waking hour. I think about what I'm going to eat, when I going to eat, and how many calories are in it. I spend more time thinking about food than anything else.
I'm very good with my food choices in everyday life. I can control things. I eat healthy, get tons of exercise and feel good. But I have a tough time with social situations. I feel awkward and struggle with feeling comfortable. And there is food everywhere. I can't handle it and the hole in my soul screams for relief and I eat. In those moments I fear that I'm not better, I'm just a fat girl hiding out in my size 8 jeans and it would take nothing to gain all the weight back. Again.
The difference this time is that I know it isn't about the size 8 jeans, or will power, or that men will finally like me if I'm thin, or that happiness comes with being skinny. This time I'm trying to listen to the screams and not numb them. It's time to finally listen to them. I want to hug people and not have the safety of fat to protect me. Healthy food makes me feel good. I've learned to love healthy foods, that in the past I never would have eaten. This time I want to be healthy, I want to live to be old and still swim and walk for miles and play with my future grandchildren. I want to believe that being in my fifties is being middle aged. So I'm trying to stick to my journey and forgive my food binges and keep going. I'm trying to mother myself. When a child is upset, lonely, sad and feeling anxious, you don't feed them, you love them. That's being a good Mother. Sometimes it's so hard and I struggle. The struggles are the lessons and it's my choice whether I embrace them or smother them down with food. It's my responsibility.
Comments
Post a Comment