AnneLyze

I've got a secret, only it's not a good one. And anyone who looks at me knows it's not a secret. I've gained 25lbs back. I'm ashamed, angry and mortified. It is unforgivable. I thought I had it all figured out. I was so arrogant in my belief that I was better. It started in January when I made it my goal to get to my target weight by losing the last 5-6lbs. I had lost 60lbs over the previous year. It gradually snowballed. Every day I started out with the goal of eating healthy and sticking to the plan and by the end of the day it was a distant memory. The food binges had returned. The desire to numb myself with food was and is huge. Secret food binges are nothing new to me. I can remember binging as a child, desperate to get food in me. Rushing home from school and eating until I was no longer what? I've done this my whole life. I'm not even sure I can explain it. Desperate, panicky, ravenous for something to ease the mental pain of simply trying to be me in...

Friday was my third day of my vacation. I got up early to bring Ben to school and as usual, he was testy. "Have a good day", "whatever", he replied. I was happy to have him leave the car. I got home, changed and happily left for a long walk through the park. I had new sneakers on and life was good. It was sunny and beautiful out. As I passed Planned Parenthood, the antiabortion group was setting up and the Escorts were ready. As I do every time I pass, I high fived the Escorts and thanked them. I turned up the street and headed into the park. The dogs were running and the gardeners were working. I was in the moment and loving it when I hit a pothole and sprawled on the ground. I scraped up on both hands, my thigh and my left ankle and right hand were throbbing. I had few options, so I dusted myself off and headed back. After a bit my ankle felt better but my hand was throbbing. I walked the three miles home. I took a shower, but by then I was sure I had broken somet...

I have 9 days off starting today. I had originally planned to bring Sam back to Buffalo and spend a few days in Canada and Niagra Falls but plans changed. I started my day by bringing Ben to school today while still in pajamas. After changing, I went to get my tire fixed after running over a nail last night and then I decided to go for a walk in the woods. Five Rivers Enviromental Center is one of my favorite places. When the kids were little, we went there at least once a week. It seemed like a good place to clear my mind and appreciate the peace and quiet of the woods. Instead it was like listening to The World Cup Soccer games on the TV. I had constant buzzing from all the mosquitoes and deer flies. Then the buses pulled up and children were screaming every where. What was I thinking walking here during the week on the next to last week of school? The deeper in the woods I got, the quieter it became and I found some peace and my mind slowly cleared. After I finished, I was...